Love them signs, Lord

By Félix Alfonso Peña
© 2008 Félix Alfonso Peña
All rights reserved
28 June 2008

Thanks for all them signs, Lord.

Mebbe I surprised you and all by seein’ ’em and followin’ ’em, just like you wanted me to … Whoa!

Scratch that, Lord! Surprise you? You had to know what I was gonna do when you did what you did, or you wouldn’ta done it, right? I mean, right! I’m really talkin’ to myself here and not thinkin’ I’m gonna teach you anything.

Anyways, I’m like real happy about them signs.

I was tellin’ Marci, my ex-wife … There I go again. You know who she is, of course. And you know how she is and why she’s my ex, but anyways, I was tellin’ her that this was one of your signs.

Here even those left-wing scientists can’t hide it: They’re sayin’ the Arctic ice is gonna all melt this summer, maybe or prob’ly or somethin’ like that, and here’s all this oil under the Arctic ocean.

I said to Marci, “Is that a sign or what? Here we burn up all this gasoline, warm up the ol’ Earth, and boom! More oil there, just for us!”

If God didn’t want us to use that oil, he wouldn’ta put it there where we could get to it, I said. Yes, sir. That there is a sign, and that means I don’t have to get rid of my 4x4 pickup! So I’m takin down that sign on the window. Nobody’s called me about it in the six weeks I’ve had it up, but that’s just another sign. I was meant to keep that truck.

And I told Marci: “God made you call me so I could tell you about the sign!”

Marci thought she was callin’ about me catchin’ up on child support, but I know you wanted me to tell her about the sign, ’cause she called just as I heard that stuff on the TV about the ice meltin’ and then I remembers hearin’ about the oil and stuff.

I wouldn’ta heard it ’cept the remote control ran outta batteries in the middle of changin’ channels so I could watch the game. Ain’t no coincidence that it got stuck where it did.

Who else but God could get me to watch a news show, right? I mean, right.

So like the preacher and good folks say, everything happens for a reason.

And after Marci hung up ’cause all the kids were cryin’and yellin’ at her — thank you, God, for fixin’ it so she caught me with that little cutie from the bowlin’ alley so we got divorced and I don’t have to listen to that wailin’ every night — I started thinkin’ about all kindsa stuff, and I said that little prayer, ’member?

Sorry, of course you ’member. I said, “God, I really want to pay up on that child support, so get me some overtime.”

Well, the boss didn’t say a word about overtime all week, until suddenly he gives it to Pedro and Juan when they start squawkin’ about their bills goin’ up. I realized that was a sign from you when you made ’em ask for those hours before I could.

See, Lord, I’m always listenin’ for signs directed at me. I heard that one loud and clear.

But everything does happen for a reason. I figure you want Marci and the kids to learn to live on a budget, like Momma did ’cause Daddy never was good about payin’ up on that child support. Not that he could with three ex-wives, a girlfriend and nine kids — that we knew about.

Yup. Learn to stretch the ol’ dollar. Didn’t hurt me none when I was a crumbsnatcher. I mean, here I’m a decent guy listenin’ to the word of God in all these signs he’s layin’ at my feet. What more can anybody ask for?

’Night, Lord. We’ll try again tomorrow, like Momma always says.