Gimme, God

By Félix Alfonso Peña
© 2008 Félix Alfonso Peña
All rights reserved
19 June 2008

Gimme, God.

Gimme lots of cheap gas for my pick-up truck. I just want to cry when I see it sittin' in my driveway lookin' all emasculated — that’s a big word but I’ve loved it ever since that pansy-butt English teacher used it in high school — all because the Arabs got so much oil, and the Venezuelans, too, and they won’t sell it to us cheap.

I know I don’t really, really need it, but that pick-up truck is me, Average American Guy, and it’s not fair that I should believe in God and country and flag and mother — I went to see her just last month, but it cost me a near fortune to drive across town in my pick-up — and here I’m sittin' home at night, can’t go out and drop my usual $40 bucks on drinks and burgers and flirt with that waitress with too much eye make-up and the elastic cuttin' into her flesh. I love her anyway, or maybe because, but that’s not what I’m talkin' about.

I was goin' to say "apple pie," but really, I like French fries better. I know the Frenchies copped out on us after 9/11 and didn’t want to help shoot up Iraq, but they sure made up a good way to eat potatoes.

I got distracted. Maybe you should gimme a better attention span. That way my remote control batteries would last longer and that would be good for the environment

I am so tired of that word, environment; every time I hear it, I know my life’s gonna get harder, but there goes my attention span again.

Now, if you could just gimme that cheap gas it would make things right and good, or more right and better. I’m not really sure which.

I could zip around like I used to, with the window rolled down and my elbow pointin' out the window, not doin' much except drivin' where people can see me and I can see them. That sounds kind of funny, but really it’s easier than cleanin' up my apartment so I can have people over.

And I’ve heard those cleanin' chemicals are all full of stuff that hurts the earth, the environment (ugh!), so I’m tryin' to be thoughtful.

I know my big 4x4 pick-up truck produces carbon dioxide, and that’s a no-no, but when I sit at home all my body heat makes the air conditioner work harder, and that means the power plant has to burn more coal or whatever they use. I’m not sure about whether it balances out real exact or not, but I’m not Asian, so I can’t do the math.

Sometimes I think I should wish that you would’ve made me Asian so I could do the math, but then again I would’ve had to study in school instead of playin' football, so it’s all a wash. I’d rather be what I am than what I’m not, and what I am is really natural because that’s what I became naturally.

Sorry to bother you with the philosophy, God. Sometimes I can’t help but think deep.

So do whatever you have to do to bring the price of gasoline down. Maybe if McCain wins the election he’ll get us some cheap oil from that offshore drillin'.

I don’t know what the people in Florida and California and all those other states on the ocean are worried about because of that drillin'. I mean, they need to think about balance. Don’t they have to drive to the ocean? They can’t all live right by it. So balance is that they pay less for gas and they have to look at an oil derrick out there. Seems fair to me.

So maybe once in a while there’s a leak and some goo on the beach. It’s no worse than jellyfish. It’s better, I say, because jellyfish sting. In fact, oil leaks probably kill a lot of jellyfish and other things in the ocean that can hurt you.

If that Crocodile Guy who got killed by a sting ray could speak, he’d probably say that was a good thing that there’s one less thing out there to kill people. Well, at least I think he would. I would. Of course, I stay out of the ocean on principle, not just because it’s hundreds of miles away. Surf and turf is as close as I want to get to it.

So oil is a good thing, really, and I say you can’t have too much of a good thing. Just gimme my pick-up truck, my job at the super center unpackin' boxes — you have no idea how many times a day I read “Made in China” — that keep America shopping, and a chance to see that waitress a couple times a week and maybe catch her eye for a second or two. It’s not much to ask for, on account of I’m an American and all that. Think of all the stuff the Foundin' Fathers and my grandfather and daddy did for the world. I know it’s a lot, because I remember how fat my American history book was.

Of course, don’t forget the standard stuff about helpin' out the poor wherever they are and fixin' all the global warmin' stuff. I’m not sure how to do that, really, but like I said, I’m not Asian, and that’s not really my fault.

Have a good day, God. I'm rootin' for ya!