Poncho's Potshots archive
Bubba did what to the jukebox?
Monday night, 31 March 2008
I never thought columnist Maggie Gallagher would attack core American values, but there it was in black and white.
Gallagher was extolling the efforts of Mike and Harriet McManus to build strong relationships between couples by giving them strong pre-marital counseling. Only seven of 229 couples mentored by Mike and Harriet have divorced, Gallagher said.
Great, but if this spreads it could be the end of country music as we know it.
Don’t believe me?
Where would Tammy Wynette have been without that D-I-V-O-R-C-E? Answer: She would not’ve had nearly as much M-O-N-E-Y.
She stood by her man, but standing by her wasn’t what he had in mind. Still, they went right on a-singin’ all the way to the bank.
Even when they fall to pieces, they make money.
Honestly, would you be more interested in “Your Faithful Heart?” or “Your Cheatin’ Heart?” In “Bubba Kissed the Jukebox” or “Bubba Shot the Jukebox?”
Speaking of love and it’s aftermath, the Vatican has announced that now there are more Muslims than Catholics: 19.2 percent vs. 17.4 percent of the world’s population, respectively.
Msgr. Victor Formenti said that Muslims continue to make a lot of children while Christians do not. Tsk. Tsk.
Which reminds me that Italians, who are among the most Catholic of Europeans, also have the lowest birth rate.
Perhaps the church could persuade the Muslims to adopt the rhythm method, the only approach to birth control officially condoned by the Vatican.
Sure, the Muslims wouldn’t use it, but everybody agrees that Catholics don’t use it, and look at their birthrate.
You can’t argue with success.
Sunday night, 30 March 2008
Texans always feel like they have to do things bigger.
I guess that explains why they’re still toting up the results from the March 4 Democratic caucus. Millions of people participated, it seems, and that surprised them.
I have a theory about why so many people turned out: Texas has 23.5 million people. About 75 percent of them are of voting age. Subtracting the 14 percent that are foreign born (even though many of them are citizens and can vote) still leaves over 15 million people who might want to participate in the democratic process.
How about a well-deserved “Well, duh!” for those caucus planners, folks.
What can I say. Texans have always had trouble counting.
Of course, this is distinct from the oft-quoted comment that Texans can’t keep track of how much oil they have ever since they sent their dipstick to Washington, D.C.
Back in the days when they were ordered to desegregate schools, Texans counted the Mexican-Americans as white and grouped them with the blacks.
“I now pronounce thee white, Pedro. Here’s your new school bus schedule. Y'all don’t fight, hear?"
Also the Republicans in Austin are famous for thinking only rich people count.
But let’s not forget the difficulty the Texan who know lives in the White House had counting WMD’s in Iraq. What a shame that when all was said and done he didn’t have to use a single one of his fingers to count all those nasty weapons.
But after that we got the opportunity to use just one of our fingers.
Isn’t it amazing how much you can communicate in digital format?
Lest we be laid astray
Friday afternoon, 28 March 2008
What’s where?
In a speech at Kutztown University yesterday, presidential brother and former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush said he supports the war in Iraq because it will lead to long-term stability for that country.
“I know my brother’s heart is in the right place,” he said, as reported in a Reading Eagle article.
OK. Let me make this perfectly clear. It’s not the location of Pres. G.W. Bush’s heart that concerns many of us. It’s the location of his head.
Just down the road from Kutztown, former Pres. Bill Clinton was stumping for his wife at Albright College in Reading, Pa., that same day.
He said his wife was the best candidate for president he had ever supported. That’s because she has the best plan for change and is the only one capable of implementing her plan, Bill said.
I read that and suddenly started hearing Bert Lahr’s voice in my head, singing “If I were King of the Forest ….”
Let me fish out my national health insurance card, that I may gaze upon it and contemplate Hillary's power to change things.
Alas, I don’t have one! Now I remember: Hillary was going to create this national health insurance plan when she first became first lady, some 16 years ago. Well, we all know that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
Somehow, laid and astray are two words that fit so well with Bill’s administration.
Not that I cared, but it was so important to the Republicans that they focused all their attention on it.
Maybe they were afraid Monica Lewinsky was going to buy a box cutter and take flying lessons.
In the end, the only things that went down were Monica and the Twin Towers.
And Monicagate opened the doors to the new Bush administration, which was hellbent on saving us from Saddam Hussein and his WMD's. Then we got to see Shock and Awe turn into "Aw, shucks."
Did you hear shots?
The wee hours, Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Sniping, what an appropriate theme for “Potshots!”
It seems presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton exaggerated the perils of a trip she took to Bosnia in 1996 while she was first lady. In a speech on Iraq last week, Clinton claimed that at one point she and others had to run, heads down, across the tarmac because of sniper fire.
Film footage and more accurate memories soon shot down that war story: no gunfire, no running, just a peaceful walk.
But Clinton can take heart in the fact that she got a lot closer to the action than Pres. G.W. Bush ever did before he got to the White House.
Back when he was in the National Guard, that organization’s initials stood for Not Going (to Vietnam).
And falling off a barstool hardly qualifies anybody for hazardous duty pay.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bush just marked the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the Iraq War by saying that the sacrifices of our troops have laid the foundation for peace.
But the fighting has started up again, with 50 people recently killed in sectarian violence and American casualties on the upswing.
Clinton’s problem may be that she imagined gunfire. Bush’s problem is he can’t hear it.
Carville cross with Richardson
Monday just after midnight, 25 March 2008
The Clintonian machine rolls on but not over New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, the former ambassador to the United Nations and energy secretary during the Clinton administration.
Richardson recently endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for president, which caused Clinton adviser James Carville to compare Richardson to Judas.
A Judas-like betrayal during Holy Week — no wonder Carville is cross.
He was likely thinking, what good is a Mexican if you can't own him?
Was there a smooch involved à la Judas? Perhaps it was just somebody saying, "Kiss off."
Still, making this kind of quotes may be as close to religion as the Clinton campaign gets.
Somebody should explain to Carville the difference between 30 pieces of silver and a conscience. Carville apparently doesn't know. He's been in politics too long.
But then again, look who he works for. As we say in Spanish, "Dime con quien andas y te digo quien eres." (Tell me who you're with, and I'll tell you who you are.")
If the script goes according to plan, sometime soon we can expect Hillary Clinton to wash her hands of the whole affair.
Viagra's not the problem
Sunday in the wee hours, 23 March 2008
“I’m so sick of men. Viagra is destroying our government.”
That’s what Joy Behar said on “The View,” according to the Associated Press. I can’t say for sure, because I wasn’t watching, but I’ll take the AP’s word for it.
It was all prompted by the news reports of former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s infidelities, his trysts with high-priced call girls.
Granted, Spitzer was wrong to cheat on his wife, Silda Wall Spitzer.
But the “sick of men” quote begs a question: Just who was Spitzer philandering with? Another man? Another species? A potted plant? No, it was a woman.
So how come Behar isn’t sick of women, too?
I imagine it won’t be long before Behar gets an e-mail from Pfizer, maker of Viagra, telling her, “Viagra doesn’t screw people. People screw people.”
Meanwhile, back at the church …
I just read, also in an Associated Press article, that a pastor in Colorado Springs, Colo., recommends that all churches have armed guards.
You should know that the Rev. Brady Boyd, the man who made the comments, is the pastor of New Life Church, where Matthew Murray killed two girls in the parking lot on Dec. 9 after killing two people at a suburban Denver missionary center.
But armed guards at churches? What is the world coming to?
“Turn the other cheek” is being replaced by “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.”
The Beatitudes are being replaced by the Attitudes.
Government is on top of things, so watch out
Wednesday morning, 19 March 2008
President Bush has reassured us that the economy’s situation is challenging but the government is on top of things.
No wonder it can't breathe.
In a speech in Jacksonville, Fla., Bush said that the housing market is in turmoil, but that the key to financial stability is for the government to act swiftly.
Hmmm. How long has the mortgage crisis been in the news? A year or so? I’m a bit confused. Could somebody please define swiftly for me?
He also said, “The more people live in their homes, the better off America is.”
I’ll take that to heart and not move into your home, at least not unless I have to.
Bush also said that the economic stimulus package will be giving us some of our money back. He didn’t mention that the government had to borrow to give us back our money because it’s been spending like a drunken sailor on shore leave with a wallet full of plastic.
Not to worry. China will lend us whatever we need to keep going. They need the cash in order to help govern Tibet. Bayonets are expensive.
McGreevey's three-way trysts
Tuesday morning, 18 March 2008
Am I reading the news or Soap Opera Digest?
Today on As the Worm Turns, Teddy Pederson, a former aide to ex-New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, tells the press that he, McGreevey and the McGreevey’s ex-wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, had three-way trysts that started before the couple were married and continued into their marriage.
Jim McGreevey, who as you remember resigned the governorship after being involved in a gay affair that was made public, confirmed the three-way trysts, but then said that the couple now must move on for the sake of their six-year-old daughter.
Matos McGreevey denies the trysts.
Jim McGreevey, now having declared himself a gay American, is studying to become an Episcopalian priest.
Some of you may recall that the world-wide Anglican/Episcopalian church is in the throes of splitting over the issue of gay priests and bishops. The fuddy-duds won’t have any of that homo stuff, while the newbie-duds sing, “Whatever gets you through the church door, is alright, it’s alright.”
It just shows you that Jim is still full of ambition. Having wrecked a marriage he’s now on his way to helping wreck a religion.
Ten years from now, will we hear that Jim and his theology professor were secretly meeting with a Buddhist at a seedy motel in Trenton?
Hopefully the Buddhist will tell him that desire is the root of all unhappiness.
But back to the digest …
In Albany, New York, the man who took over the governor’s job from Eliot Spitzer, who resigned after being embroiled in a prostitution scandal, has said that both he and his wife had affairs during a low point in their marriage.
The press, being the press, dutifully gave the public what it wants: We now know that Governor David Paterson and his wife Michelle had affairs — years ago. I’ve read and re-read the press reports, but somebody must have edited out the paragraphs that explained what this bit of stale personal history has to do with running a state.
Fed rescue doesn't inspire enthusiasm
Monday afternoon, 17 March, 2008
So the Federal Reserve is going to rescue Wall Street from itself.
That’s the Fed as in the US government, the one that’s busy rescuing Iraq from itself —for the next 100 years or until they run out of oil — stepping in to rescue Wall Street.
It seems one of the big Wall Street firms, Bear Stearns, is on the verge of collapse because of big losses in the mortgage industry, so the Fed is going to bankroll JP Morgan Chase, another big player, to the tune of $30 billion dollars.
Morgan Chase will use the credit to help it acquire Bear Stearns, but the Fed will have control over Bear Stearns’ portfolio in order to minimize the risk.
Are we laughing or crying over this?
I guess that depends on whether you own a chunk of JP Morgan Chase or Bear Stearns.
But rest assured, with the Fed’s involvement, JP Morgan Chase will own a chunk of you, Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer.
It offers little reassurance that the Fed’s answer to the problems caused by too much credit is more credit.
That’s like saying the Titanic needed one more iceberg.
I applied for my mortgage about thirteen years ago, so I have to wonder how banks and others could have made so many bad loans.
By the time I staggered out after applying for a mortgage I was fairly sure that the process had included a rectal exam.
“Where were you on the night of December 4, 1971, and how much did you have in your bank account, Mr. Peña?”
I’m fairly certain they asked that — and that I provided an answer.
The galling thing about this mortgage crisis is that by providing the high-risk loans the lenders helped keep home costs escalating, which meant more high-risk loans, which meant escalating home costs …. Ad nauseum, but not ad infinitum, because eventually even bankers have to pay the piper.
And now the Fed will be in possession of Bear Stearns portfolio.
Hey, Mr. Bernanke, can you spare a MacMansion?
Friday morning, 14 March 2008
“Spitzer escort’s fame fuels career prospects,” read the headline on CNN today.
One sexual encounter with Ashley Alexandra Dupre, who went by the nom de boom-boom Kristen, cost now dethroned New York Governor Eliot Spitzer over $4,300. After working for those kinds of wages, the only way she can go is down.
Oops! Guess she’s been there, done that.
Maybe she’ll opt for a career in politics. She has the right qualifications: name recognition, willingness to sell self to highest bidder.
On second thought, that’s not right. Legislators don’t sell themselves; they sell us out. She would be better qualified if she had been a pimp.
Thursday morning, 13 March, 2008
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has thrown in the towel.
Hopefully it’s not one he used during the trysts with prostitutes that led to his political downfall.
Maybe he washed it; unfortunately for then-President Bill Clinton that’s more than Monica Lewinsky did with her blue dress after an encounter with Bill the Amorous One.
Republicans proved themselves apt at following the tracks on that dress right into the White House.
Ah, those were the glory days: trials, accusations, rumor-mongering, revelations — just what Osama Bin-Laden and his crew needed while they hatched a plot involving box cutters, suicide pilots and jets full of innocent people crashing into towers full of more innocent people.
It’s nice to know our leaders have their priorities straight: First gain the political high ground, then worry about national defense.
But you can’t blame Republicans for playing to the house.
One of the grand principles of public life is that, the higher the position of the owner’s head, the more satisfying the dull thud when it strikes the ground.
Now as then people are turning to the Internet for the juicy details about Spitzer’s liaisons — all $80,000 worth of them.
Meanwhile, the New York Times described the high-priced call girl, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, a.k.a. Kristen, as a 22-year-old who wants to be a singer.
She’ll have a big chance to sing on the witness stand.
As for Spitzer, a former New York attorney general who made his name as a tough prosecutor, think of him as the eagle that was brought down by a canary.
Picking on Geraldine Ferraro
Wednesday morning, 12 March 2008
Some folks want to slap former congresswoman and vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro on the wrist for saying the "B" word — not Barack, but black.
In a Fox News interview Ferraro said presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama would not be where he is today were he not black, just as she would not have been a vice presidential candidate 24 years ago if she had been Mr. Gerald Ferraro.
Perhaps, but being a politician Gerald might have been tempted to dab on some make-up, pull on a wig and slip into an attractive but demure black dress in exchange for being put on the ticket.
That’s not a terribly far-fetched idea; Ferraro is a Democrat, after all.
Republicans have their own issues, of course, but they have the courtesy to restrict these to the privacy of public restroom stalls.
Gerald’s campaign manager might have protested, however.
“Do you really want to wear that gold necklace? Pearls would be so much more appropriate.
“And you really need to work on walking more gracefully in heels.”
Back in the present, Ferraro has been chastised by pundits and politicos, abetted by the media, for using the B-word.
So she used the W-word. The criticism has been directed at her only because she’s white, she said in an interview with the Daily Breeze of Torrance, Calif.
As a beleaguered white person, Ferraro can now sit at the Bubba table, where white bread, Vienna sausages and mayonnaise are the first course. And the second, and the third.
Somebody should tell her, however, that at the Bubba table the diversity training manual consists of two syllables, repeated over and over: Nig-RAH. Nig-RAH. Nig-RAH.
After they pass that, Bubbas move on to book two, where they take on the challenge of three syllables by working on Mezkin.
Unhappily, Obama missed a great opportunity to counter that Ferraro, being a woman, didn’t have a leg to stand on; the pot was simply calling the kettle black.
Obama has said that his blackness is not an issue. He could’ve added that rival Sen. Hillary Clinton’s bitchiness is also not an issue.
Not that either he or Clinton would bring up these issues about the other. Why should they when there are Republicans aplenty to do it for them?
On the other hand, the Republicans should have learned by now that bitchiness isn’t necessarily a liability. Cheney’s still vice president, isn’t he?
Now, wouldn’t it be interesting if Cheney were to complete the picture by donning that little black number, attractive make-up and a stunning but tasteful wig.
In the privacy of a public restroom stall, of course.
Gov. Eliot Spitzer on the hook(er)
Tuesday morning, 11 March, 2008
So New York Governor Eliot Spitzer spent $4,300, according to federal investigators, on a dalliance with a prostitute. That's a sizeable chunk of change, but I suppose that if you have to ask, you can't afford her.
It brings to mind comedian Redd Foxx's comments when a prostitute told him many years ago that she would charge him $500 for sex.
“Five hundred dollars?” said Foxx. “And me with two good hands.”
Maybe Spitzer isn't ambidexterous, but that still leaves him with one hand — and a wife. Had he spent that $4,300 on his wife, Silda, he might not have needed to look elsewhere, for sex or a job.
As of March 10, Eliot Spitzer had not mentioned resigning. Honestly, he would be really hard up (sorry) for a job if he resigned, although Bill Clinton survived pretty well politically even after messing around with Monica.
CNN senior legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, who went to law school with Spitzer, supposedly called Spitzer “the straightest arrow I know.”
Now, that's a really personal observation. I wonder if “Kristen,” the alleged prostitute, has any comments on the straightness of Spitzer's arrow.
If Silda Spitzer follows Democratic tradition, she'll run for the senate.
It's too bad Silda isn't Latina. If she were, Eliot could have a new career as a male soprano.
Not that Latinas are not forgiving, but first comes the revenge. Then they forgive while serving out their sentence.
Since Eliot is a Democrat, the folks in the GOP can now smirk and brag, “At least Sen. Larry Craig was going to get it for free.”
True. The biggest expense for the GOP stalwart was a little shoe leather and whatever it cost to rent the toilet stall.
Then again, Bill Clinton was getting it for free, too. He didn't even have to tap dance for it.
Taxpayers do pay for the cost of White House interns, but servicing the president does not fall within the interns' job description, at least as far as we know.